dunzo
It's official: the summer has begun. Finally! I've been waiting for this day since, well, the first day of the semester. Sad, huh? Anyhoo, I think my finals went pretty well, and even if the didn't, honestly at this point I'm just glad their over! It was such a nice feeling today walking through campus after having a celebratory "finals are over!" lunch with my friend Laura. Everything was so green and the campus was empty. No one was around me and it all felt very quiet, kinda surreal actually. It made me happy and sad all at once. I was excited inside that I was done, but at the same time, I had no one to share that excitedness with. That drudged back up the empty, lonely feeling that is currently residing in my stomach these days. Boo.
The past week I've been in a very contemplative (is that a word?) wierd state. My mind seems to view things in tiny snippits of what was, what could have been, and what is no longer. It's pretty mentally draining, and no fun at all. I'm getting good at trying to distract myself from what's actually going on in my life, but, lo and behold, it doesn't work. Whoever said "you don't know what you have until it's gone" was right, but they also should have said "You knew what you had, loved it, it's gone, and you will never be able to get away from it." because that would be the much truer statement.
the other day, one of my friends said to me: "woah, your whole life has changed hasn't it?" at that moment, it all just kinda sank in and I said "yes. completely." gee willikers. how crazy is that. in the blink of an eye, my life was turned upside down. no more of what i'm used to, what i love, who i love, what i enjoyed immensely. no more, sorry, game's over. i want to just scream NO! this isn't what I want, this isn't fair, why did my happy little life have to be thrown into shambles. i don't get it. what did i do wrong?
i'm considering taking a break from blogging. besides the fact that i'm sure it's not fun for anyone to read how depressed I am, it's really pretty depressing for me. the blog sorta reminds me of a life that i once had, but am not allowed to experience anymore. i'm also considering taking a semester off from school. i have no idea what to enroll in or what i want to do with my life, so it all just sorta seems like a waste. my brain is too much in shambles to be prepared for another academic endeavor. maybe i just need time to fix myself, fix this broken-ness. i dunno...
i'm going camping for a few days, so maybe that will clear my head. time to be with God, in His creation.
i love ya all, thanks for reading.
The past week I've been in a very contemplative (is that a word?) wierd state. My mind seems to view things in tiny snippits of what was, what could have been, and what is no longer. It's pretty mentally draining, and no fun at all. I'm getting good at trying to distract myself from what's actually going on in my life, but, lo and behold, it doesn't work. Whoever said "you don't know what you have until it's gone" was right, but they also should have said "You knew what you had, loved it, it's gone, and you will never be able to get away from it." because that would be the much truer statement.
the other day, one of my friends said to me: "woah, your whole life has changed hasn't it?" at that moment, it all just kinda sank in and I said "yes. completely." gee willikers. how crazy is that. in the blink of an eye, my life was turned upside down. no more of what i'm used to, what i love, who i love, what i enjoyed immensely. no more, sorry, game's over. i want to just scream NO! this isn't what I want, this isn't fair, why did my happy little life have to be thrown into shambles. i don't get it. what did i do wrong?
i'm considering taking a break from blogging. besides the fact that i'm sure it's not fun for anyone to read how depressed I am, it's really pretty depressing for me. the blog sorta reminds me of a life that i once had, but am not allowed to experience anymore. i'm also considering taking a semester off from school. i have no idea what to enroll in or what i want to do with my life, so it all just sorta seems like a waste. my brain is too much in shambles to be prepared for another academic endeavor. maybe i just need time to fix myself, fix this broken-ness. i dunno...
i'm going camping for a few days, so maybe that will clear my head. time to be with God, in His creation.
i love ya all, thanks for reading.
posted by katie at 12:27 PM
2 Comments:
Thanks for the comment! I hope you had a great time camping. It must be nice to live in a place where its warm enough to camp! We're still getting frost some nights up here in Northern New York.
I pray that God revives you, it sounds like you need some wind in your sails.
Blessings
Jackie
I've been through a change like you are and i know it is hard to be thankful for it now, but after all the suckiness goes away and you can finally eat again and the weight in the pit of your stomach goes away...you will be so strong, you won't know what to do with yourself. You are an amazing woman created by the one and only amazing God and He is walking every step with you- showing you just how strong you are.
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