choices and epiphanies

I've kinda come to a crossroads in my life. My little snowglobe of a world has been turned upside down and shaken profusely, causing everything to go crazy and end up in the wrong place. So, now I have to make a choice.

Today I was listening to the radio and a speaker was talking about going through hard times. He said, "Once you have gone through the human emotions, you have a choice to make, and that choice is to trust God or not." This was the final stitch in a weave of signals God has been sending me. I've got to trust!

But blessed are those who trust in the LORD and have made
the LORD their hope and confidence. Jeremiah 17:7

Last night, at the Mercy Me concert I went to, (more on that later) I had an epiphany: I have been brought to my knees, shaken to the core, dragged through distress...because I was supposed to be. God needed me there, on my knees, looking up only to Him. It's not that my faith-life and Christian walk has been bad, because it hasn't, but maybe it just needs some tweaking. A little more devotion here, a little more trust there...that kinda thing. God knew that one way to get me to this point would be to take away the thing that was most important to me next to Himself and my family...my best friend and boyfriend. It has ripped me apart to not have him by my side, I have felt all alone and confused. But, do you know where that left me? Alone with God. Right where I needed to be.

So, now instead of wallowing in my tears and shouting at God, I have made a choice. My choice is to trust. Trust God completely, knowing that His will for me is the best thing for me. I have to embrace that and live into it the best way I can. This will for sure take some work, it won't be easy. There are days when I have to stop and say "Trust!" every 5 seconds just to get me through, but that's okay. One day I'll get to the point where I will have to say that less and less, because my life will be based around my trust and hope in the Lord.

He is working every situation in my life out for good, even though it doesn't always feel like it. I may hurt right now, but he is cultivating new things in me, teaching me lessons, shaping my heart. How can I not be excited about that?! Every day is a new day, and I want to celebrate Him all of those days, growing closer to Him. Surrounding myself with the knowledge of a God who loves me and wants only whats best for me.

Thanks to everyone who has watched me go through this rough patch and helped me along. God has blessed me with great people in my life. You all are part of the path that led me to this realization. Let's just pray that I can keep this positive outlook going! :o)

And thank you Lord for putting me in this place, right where You needed me to be.

Happy Administrative Professionals Day! It's good to know theres a day representing those of us who sit on our butts (most) of the work day dealing with cranky people, answering phones, and filling out TONS of paper work. My mom (who happens to be my boss) gave me a really cool cross and a Max Lucado card today to honor the occasion. It made me smile :o)

a bright spot of life

bare feet

hanging out the window
peanut butter and jelly

first day of real sunshine

skipping class

jack johnson

looking up at you
smile

yippy skippy

Bebo

I get a lot of solace and comfort from listening to music. I pay a lot of attention to lyrics and how they relate to my life...it's just something I like to do.

Bebo Norman has been in my CD player a lot this past week. He is awesome. Everyone should listen to Bebo. Here's a few songs that have hit me lately:

Long Way Home

It's a long way home, and the fists have flown
In the silence, there's nowhere left to run
It's the battle of our pending love
In the shadow of another smoking gun

When we dreamed this dream
For the first time, it seemed
We could live this love for a lifetime
You and me
So I will
I will not give up this fight
I will not lay down and die
I will not carry this heart of stone
I may not be your place to run
I may not be your kingdom come
I may stumble through this great unknown
But I will be all that is true
I will not give up on you
I was made to be with you alone

Cause you and me, we're gonna see
The long way home

It's a long way home, and the crying's done
But the sorrow is still wet upon your face
Our colliding hearts sometimes break apart
But now the pieces are gathered up in grace

When we dream this dream
For the last time, we'll see
That we lived this love for a lifetime
Just you and me

I will not lay down and die
I will not carry this heart of stone
Cause I am not your place to run
I am not your kingdom come
And I may stumble thru this great unknown
But I will be all that is true
I will not give up on you
I was made to be with you alone
Cause you and I, we're gonna fly
The long way home

So Afraid

Take my heart, and wring it out

In Your hands and watch it all collapse

Take Your Love, and drive it in

Into my soul, and never leave again

Cuz I am so afraid

That I’ll find myself alone

Looking for a savior, looking for a home

So don’t leave me here alone

Don’t leave me here alone

All Your hope, and all my pride

All this time to watch it all collide

When everyone seems to say,“You can work it out”

Under my skin, I’m shaking

And I can’t get out

So don’t leave me here

This is not what You said

It’s all in my head

When I throw my anger at You instead

So don’t give up on me

I want to believe

That You’ll never leave me

Ugh

Today, when my mom asked me how I felt, I said, "ugh." It seemed to be the only way I could express how my whole everything was feeling. All weekend I've had a constant stomach ache/headache/light-headedness. I hate that feeling when you know you have eat to keep from falling over but the idea of eating food makes you want to puke. Nice, right? Yeah...

Anyhoo, the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. School has been ridiculously stressful, a close member of my family passed away, and a big chunk of my personal life completely fell away. I really need time to just sit and go through my mental file cabinet, sorting all this out and figuring out how to deal with it. Being able to just sit sounds good right now. I've been in constant movement lately. My family inherited the home of our family member that passed, so the past two weekends I have been out of town handling that situation. This weekend we basically painted her whole house in 1 1/2 days to get it ready to be put on the market. It was crazy!! It can get a little stressful with all that family in such a small space, paint flying everywhere, and stress levels shooting through the roof. Ugh.

I need help keeping myself together, and God has been with me a lot lately. Sometimes it's just hard to see Him. In a time when everything and everyone else is gone, I know He's there, but the pain is still very prominent. I must remember that He will carry me through.

prayer

patience

peace

Reaching Out.

prayer
Originally uploaded by ktkate.

confused

I desperately want God's will for my life. I want to follow Him, follow His lead in whatever he wants me to do. My problem is understanding why he is taking me down certain paths.

I know that His way is perfect and just right for me.

Why doesn't it feel that way?

Blah

Ugh. Today was a bad day. Why can't life always be as cool as it was last night around the campfire at Encounter?

I mean really...who needs school, and work, and stress? Not me!

Well, I guess I need a job to survive financially, and school is supposed to be providing knowledge (key word: supposed)...but stress, I could TOTALLY do without.

Enjoy the Ride

Puppy!
Originally uploaded by ktkate.

I noticed something today...

It's impossible to not be in a good mood when you see a car driving along with a dog hanging out the window. Tongue out, ears back, paws hangin' over the door, and a HUGE smile on their face. It's the best thing ever! Well, at least to me.

I saw a dog doing this exact thing today, and it just made me smile, cuz I know how happy that dog is. He's not worried that his owner left him outside all night, or switched his brand of dog food--all he's thinking about is all the new smells he's breathing in, all the places he gets to see, and (as my family calls it) all the "extra air" he's getting. I wish it was so easy for us humanoids to forget about everything for 10 minutes and just enjoy the ride.

Something to think about.

flip-flop anonymous

Howdy Blog fans. Isn't it awesome outside? Maybe a little on the hot-side, but hey! I get to wear flip-flops and a t-shirt so I'm happy! I really do love flip-flops and Birks, talk about some of the best creations ever. Anyhoo, I hope everyone is enjoying the nice weather, cuz it's supposed to be rainy the rest of the week (boo!).

All I know is that I'm ready for the end of school, summer days, going camping, and mocha frappes w/soy from Signs of Life.


P.S. Kie and I were quoted in the Journal World this weekend. Check it out here: http://www.ljworld.com/section/citynews/story/200740