So, my friend David told me that I need to post something happy, that my blog is too depressing. True, David, true. There are a few happy things to pick out of my crazy life, so here ya go:

• My friend David, and his wife Jess are having a baby!! Since I've pretty much adopted David as my brother, this means I get to be an aunt! Yea! I'm so excited. David and Jess are going to be amazing parents to this new baby God has blessed them with. (thanks Dave, for providing my first bit of good news to make the blog a little happier.)
• I have amazing friends. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. God has blessed me with people that are nothing short of awesome. Constantly there for me, giving advice, and just plain listening. God even provided a new friend for me that happens to be going through the freakily exact same thing I am. God rocks.

That's all for now.

dunzo

It's official: the summer has begun. Finally! I've been waiting for this day since, well, the first day of the semester. Sad, huh? Anyhoo, I think my finals went pretty well, and even if the didn't, honestly at this point I'm just glad their over! It was such a nice feeling today walking through campus after having a celebratory "finals are over!" lunch with my friend Laura. Everything was so green and the campus was empty. No one was around me and it all felt very quiet, kinda surreal actually. It made me happy and sad all at once. I was excited inside that I was done, but at the same time, I had no one to share that excitedness with. That drudged back up the empty, lonely feeling that is currently residing in my stomach these days. Boo.

The past week I've been in a very contemplative (is that a word?) wierd state. My mind seems to view things in tiny snippits of what was, what could have been, and what is no longer. It's pretty mentally draining, and no fun at all. I'm getting good at trying to distract myself from what's actually going on in my life, but, lo and behold, it doesn't work. Whoever said "you don't know what you have until it's gone" was right, but they also should have said "You knew what you had, loved it, it's gone, and you will never be able to get away from it." because that would be the much truer statement.

the other day, one of my friends said to me: "woah, your whole life has changed hasn't it?" at that moment, it all just kinda sank in and I said "yes. completely." gee willikers. how crazy is that. in the blink of an eye, my life was turned upside down. no more of what i'm used to, what i love, who i love, what i enjoyed immensely. no more, sorry, game's over. i want to just scream NO! this isn't what I want, this isn't fair, why did my happy little life have to be thrown into shambles. i don't get it. what did i do wrong?

i'm considering taking a break from blogging. besides the fact that i'm sure it's not fun for anyone to read how depressed I am, it's really pretty depressing for me. the blog sorta reminds me of a life that i once had, but am not allowed to experience anymore. i'm also considering taking a semester off from school. i have no idea what to enroll in or what i want to do with my life, so it all just sorta seems like a waste. my brain is too much in shambles to be prepared for another academic endeavor. maybe i just need time to fix myself, fix this broken-ness. i dunno...

i'm going camping for a few days, so maybe that will clear my head. time to be with God, in His creation.

i love ya all, thanks for reading.

...stand your ground. And don't hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for him is a waste of time or effort.

--1 Corinthians 15:58 (MSG)

Do it yourself tombstones?

So today my sister Cari and I were shopping around at Kohl's and we found this really neat decorative cross. We automatically thought of my mom (she has a cross collection). This particular cross was different than any that she has. It's a celtic-like cross and it's pretty large--it's meant to set outside in a garden. Long story short=it's a cool cross. Anyhoo, we decide to buy this for our parents as part of an anniversary gift (26 years! go mom and dad!). So, we get up to the check out line and the wierdest conversation with the cashier follows:

Cashier: "Is this for the garden?" (pointing to the cross)

Me: "Yeah."

Cashier: "Oh." (puzzled look)

Me: "yup..."

Cashier: "In the country where I'm from you would put this on your grave. So, if you would have said that this was going in the cemetary, that would have been okay, but going in your garden? That's strange." (looks at me funny)

Cari & I: Confused look, then smile and nod, continue to head for the door.

Cari: "So, let me get this straight: if we are coming to Kohl's to build our own headstones, that's okay--but if we're here for garden accessories, that's strange?" Hmmm...

photo bloginated

check out my new photo blog! I'm still tweaking it, so it's not in it's full glory yet.

enjoy!

Freedom

I can taste it: Freedom. Summer. NO SCHOOL. Yessssssssss

When I was in 4th grade, my friends and I thought it would be cool to run out the door after the bell rang on the last day and throw all our papers in the air and jump off the steps, like they do in the movies. We planned it all out during recess, we were stoked. Then, when we actually did it, it sucked. It didn't feel like it looked in the movies! Must of been the fact that we were missing out on a wind machine and some cheesy excitement-building music. Bummer.

Anyhoo, a week from tomorrow I will be a free woman. No more assignments or driving 40 minutes in rush hour traffic to get to school. Ahhhhhh. I'm excited. Here's what I wanna do this summer:

• go camping...alot
• be outside
• go to the gym
• read a lot of books
• finish my daily Bible reading plan (the Bible all the way through)
• drink Limeades (cherry and regular)
• go on at least one spontaneous crazy road trip
• buy a digital camera & an iPod
• get in touch with my inner photographer
• watch movies
• spend time with God
• go to Colorado/New Mexico with my fam
• go to the drive-in movie theater
• go to some Royals games
• look at the stars
• swim in my pool
• drink soy mocha frappes from signs of life
• see Jack Johnson in concert
• get a bike and ride it!

that's not all...but this is getting long. :o) Have a good summer everybody!

God is my rock. He has been doing an amazing job of holding me up these past couple weeks. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for that.

My friends have been awesome, supporting and comforting me.

But, at the end of the day...I still feel like crap. And not even just at the end of the day...sometimes in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon. I just get sick to my stomach and feel this all welling up inside of me. I don't know if life will ever be the same.

Ugh.

I'm a firm believer that sunshine and warm weather makes everything happier. I think maybe Kansas has finally come out of it's warm/cold/warm/cold/warm/cold phase, and it's about time.

Anyhoo, yesterday was a good day:

• it was warm & sunshiney
• had a slow day at work = more time to read.
• went to a local garden center with my mom and bought flowers to plant in the yard. i love the smell at these places, when it's all warm and all you smell is flowers and potting soil.
• went to an amazing show put on by the Billions at Signs of Life. I'd been wanting to see these guys perform for quite some time, and they were definetly worth the wait.
• hung out with some old friends Collin and Justin. We went to Perkins, ate french toast, I watched them spend like $10 trying to win stuff out of one of those claw grabber machines, then went out to clinton lake and played baseball in the dark. It was good times, just being goofy and random.

Although the day wasn't completely perfect, it got pretty darn close. Thank God for days like that.

Two good things about today:

1. I bought a gnome. One of those awesome little guys you put in your yard, ya know? It's sweet.

2. I ate homemade Caribbean-Jerk chicken with my friends Stephanie & Josh (& baby Aubrey!) and figured out this should be one of my theme songs for life:

Accentuate the Positive

You gotta accent-thu-ate the positive,

E-lim-inate the negative,

An’ latch on

To the affirmative

Don’t mess with mister in-between!

You gotta spread joy up to the maximum,

Bring gloom down to the minimum,

An’ have faith ( amen! )

Or pandemonium’s Liable to walk upon the scene!

To illustrate my last remark

Jonah in the whale! Noah in the arc!

An’ what did they do ( what did they do? )

Just when everything looked so dark? ( what did they, what did they, what did they do? )

Man! they said

You better accent-thu-ate the positive,

E-lim-inate the negative,

An’ latch onTo the affirmative

Don’t mess with mister in-between!

I think it's by Perry Como, anyway...it's a good song.

sunshine, limes, & art

Today my sister and I went down to Art in the Park to peruse the local artists and their creations. It was tons o' fun! There was alot of great art to be seen. We bought some prints from an awesome local photographer that had a booth down there. It inspired me to continue on in my goal to be a "professional" photographer. I really want to just travel around to random places with my camera, having fun and enjoying God's creation. Wouldn't that be the life? wow.

Anyhoo, after walking around the park and smelling funnel cakes for an hour and half, we decided it was pretty much required for us to buy one. So, we did. :o) And, I of course, being addicted to everything lime, had to get a limeade. We sat in the sunshine, got funnel cake powdered sugar all over us and just relaxed. It was great.

You seriously can't go wrong with sunshine, limes, and art. Amazing.